This website has tips, techniques, and strategies that are the fundamentals necessary for giving GREAT public speeches. The information is easy to use and understand because of it's practical, straightforward, hands-on approach. Learn how to be effective and persuasive while discovering the "art of public speaking".
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Fears and Phobias of Public Speaking
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
Nobody doubts that next to snakes people fear public speaking the most. Fear and/or phobia of public speaking ranks higher than a fear of heights, being closed in small spaces, spiders and insects, needles and getting shots, mice, and flying on airplanes....
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Public Speaking Rules! - book
Video Public Speaking Rules - All you need for a
GREAT speech! Info: Introduction to the book Public Speaking Rules! by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
*When the video is complete - Search: richard l weaver ii
for more videos.
You don't want to speak just "good," and you don't want to be just
"better." What you want is to be GREAT! This guide isn't just an
introduction to public speaking, it's your handbook to improve your public
speaking, whatever skills you possess. It doesn't matter if you're an
advanced public speaker, just beginning, or in need one great speech.
Public Speaking Rules! is your nut-and-bolts handbook whether you're
starting from scratch or simply brushing up.
In this book are tips, techniques, and strategies that are the fundamentals
necessary for giving GREAT public speeches. The information is easy to use
and understand because of it's practical, straightforward, hands-on
approach. Learn how to be effective and persuasive while discovering the
"art of public speaking". If it's the only speech you ever give, be
effective, and master the speech occasion. Knowing what you're doing will
build strength, confidence, and effectiveness. It will turn public speaking
into Public Speaking Rules!
Visit our And Then
Some Works Amazon aStore where you can find books about public speaking,
print on demand publishing, And Then Some!!
And Then Some Speech by Richard L. Weaver II,
PhD
Video Info:
The "And Then Some" philosophy is a simple "life enhancement tool" that when
applied personally can help focus, motivate, and enrich your life. No matter
what your beliefs, no matter at what stage of life you are, and no matter
where you are in this world, with the confidence of "And Then Some" you no
longer need to accept the "status quo."
Every week author Richard L. Weaver II writes essays covering a wide variety of subjects
based on the And Then Some philosophy: Give more, get more, want more
from life! These essays are listed in the left column... simply
scroll down, click the link in the left column under the graphic And
Some essays... and get some... And Then Some!
Essays dealing specifically with public speaking... click the links below:
> Impromptu Speaking Without the Fear and Panic
> below
> How do you give “the speech of your life”?
> below
Some people have defined impromptu
speaking as public speaking on the spur-of-the-moment without preparation.
It is precisely this definition and especially the last two words that
instill fear and panic in many people. And yet seldom is an impromptu speech
given without preparation! If the “preparation problem” is resolved, much of
the fear and panic associated with impromptu speaking can be substantially
reduced or, at the very least, controlled.
Let’s begin, then, by defining and explaining what “preparation” means. If
the definition of preparation is thorough research and investigation then
“Yes,” impromptu speaking can involve no thorough research or investigation
at that time. But seldom does any speech include only thorough research and
investigation. Those, indeed, are often formal speeches planned well in
advance of the occasion. Too, they could be those intended to fulfill
classroom assignments.
“Preparation,” however, especially for impromptu speeches, encompasses far,
far more. Far more than thorough research and investigation! To examine all
that “preparation” encompasses should assist in reducing some of the fear
and panic — especially because speakers are much better “prepared” than
they, at first, may realize.
To begin, it’s important to understand that seldom are you asked to give an
impromptu speech for which you have no background knowledge and experience.
In many cases, the invitation to give such a speech occurs because of a
person’s special expertise in a given area. In this way, a person can use
that “special” expertise to enlarge, enumerate, and expand on a topic. For
the most part, and for most people, this is an opportunity just ripe for the
picking. When in a strange or new town, just ask a local resident to tell
you what to see, where to eat, or how to get to a special location, and you
will quickly be an audience of one for a unique impromptu experience!
Seldom, if ever, is anyone asked to give (or would volunteer to give) a
speech that reveals his or her total ignorance or naivete. The best advice
if such a circumstance occurred would be to admit your lack of knowledge:
“I’m sorry, I have little knowledge or experience on this topic. Please
forgive me if I decline your offer to speak on this issue at this time.”
Having a couple of sentences in reserve if you are ever asked to give a
speech on a topic on which you are unprepared can help relieve a great deal
of stress and unwanted (or unneeded) anxiety.
How prepared are you in impromptu-speaking situations? First, if you are
aware of the circumstances in which you find yourself (or can even
anticipate them), you will have some facts, observations, or insights that
merit comment. A previous speaker may have made a remark that deserves your
attention. A current or evolving situation may have captured your attention
or that of your listeners. Even an interruption or strange occurrence might
need, at the least, a slight reference or acknowledgment. Sometimes it is
just these opening comments that will calm your mind and give your brain
enough time to assemble some additional ideas.
Second, if you keep up with the news and current events explained and
developed in your local newspapers, magazines, television, and the Internet,
you have a large reserve of information you can draw upon to shed light on
the issue at hand or, perhaps, to put the issue into some current or
historical context. Try to see the bigger picture to which this issue
relates or, pretend it is a single tree in a large forest of ideas, and it
is your job to help define or describe the forest. In this way the issue
gains meaning, relevance, and worth.
Third, if you are a reader, think of the books, articles, and essays that
you have read that provide fodder for impromptu situations. Think about any
quotations that may apply, author anecdotes, or critical insights you can
share that have been written about by others. Often, such ideas — especially
when cited on the spur-of-the-moment like this, can add substantially to
your credibility and expertise.
Fourth, listen closely to the conversations of others. Realize, first, that
if you are talking you are not listening. It isn’t that you necessarily want
to use their ideas as your own — although that is permissible in such
situations (especially if a person will be in your audience and you can
acknowledge that person and your indebtedness) — but, often people offer an
idea to which you can respond, an alternative you can recommend, or a
different approach you can suggest.
Fifth, depend on yourself. You have a wealth of information in your
“storehouse of useless knowledge”! Although an event or issue may appear, at
first, as just another scrap to add to the storehouse, that morsel can
become a treasured nugget in just such situations. Suddenly, that little
piece of knowledge can become the finger food that leads to a feast of new
ideas, thoughts, plans, and visions. When you are a “sponge for knowledge”
you build a foundation for the unexpected.
Sixth, you have viewpoints, positions, beliefs, attitudes, needs and values
that you have accumulated as a result of living your everyday life. You are
not a blank slate, and to draw from your own, well-developed and securely
established fount of ideas will add to any public-speaking effort and make
it personal and unique. In some cases, this is all that is being requested
when you are asked to deliver an impromptu speech, and in many cases, this
is all that can be expected.
What you must understand in every impromptu situation, your listeners
clearly understand the situation, and the expectations of you and your
performance are not the same as they would be for an address, a formal
speech, or a planned presentation. The expectations of audience members will
correspond precisely with the nature of the circumstances.
With a few ideas in mind, tell your listeners what you plan to say, say it,
then tell them what you said. Another organizational scheme is simply to
provide an introduction — perhaps just a brief look at the current situation
— a point or two for the body of the speech (a fact and a personal example
may be sufficient), and a final thought, quotation, or additional insight as
a conclusion.
Impromptu speeches do not need to invoke fear and panic. You are far better
prepared than you think, audience expectations correspond with the situation
at hand, and with just a simple organizational scheme, you can master the
circumstances just like a professional would.
-------------------------------
At
http://www.mpdailyfix.com/2007/04/steps_to_better_impromptu_spea.html,
at a web site entitled MarketingProfs: Daily Fix, Paul Barsch writes an
essay entitled, “Steps to Better Impromptu Speaking,” and nicely extends the
comments above by placing an important emphasis on practice. Barsch stresses
the importance of organizations like Toastmasters for practicing, and he
discusses the need to practice speaking on familiar topics as well.
At this web site —
http://www.hawaii.edu/mauispeech/html/impromptuspeaking.html — Ron St.
John, speech instructor at the Maui Community College, has constructed one
of the outstanding public speaking sites on the Web. On this page are
“Impromptu Speaking Tips,” and the five he lists include: 1) Start strong;
2) Choose a specific illustration, example, or experience; 3) Don’t try to
cover too much; 4) Never apologize, and 5) Finish conclusively. In addition
to this information you will discover almost anything you want to know about
public speaking. -------------------------------
Let’s just say that as things have worked
out in your life, that what you would like to have more than anything else
comes down to giving what must be considered the speech of your life. How
you come across, how you present yourself, and how you affect a group of
people, is going to determine whether or not you get what you want.
The speech of your life comes from you, and your success depends on your
message, you the messenger, and your magic. You can think about your message
being the meat, you the messenger being the potatoes, and the magic being
the spice. Let’s look at each factor.
The meat of your message depends first on study. Study is what makes
greatness. Whether it is based on your own background, the experiences
you’ve had, or research and investigation, great speeches reveal a depth of
knowledge and understanding.
When your message comes from deep within you, it reveals your soul. Soul is
that animating essence that we associate with your life. A great message is
not just words; it is emotion, body language, and passion or spirit. People
listen to your soul.
Finally, in a great message speakers share their scars. They reach into
their storehouse for the blemishes, faults, and sores that make them human.
Sharing their scars makes them human.
The important aspect of you as the messenger is that you be yourself. Know
who you are. To know who you are, be a self-monitor. Examine why you do the
things you do, why you say what you say, and why you think what you think.
Look at your behavior.
Be introspective. Examine your thoughts and feelings. This involves
self-searching, self-reflection, and self-contemplation. Know yourself, and
show yourself. Tear away the veil, and reveal the true you—who you really
are.
As a messenger, you must be sincere. This means being open, candid, frank,
honest, and truthful. When the covers of your book are opened, are your
contents thin, superficial, and shallow? Then enrich yourself by reading,
listening, observing, and experiencing.
Finally, as the messenger, be direct with your audience. Let your audience
understand what you know. Develop and polish rich, personal, soul-wrenching
stories that will grab, hold, and bind your audience’s attention to your
message.
As the messenger, you must project confidence (positive self-assurance),
credibility (an authentic, believable, convincing, and trustworthy nature),
comfort (that you are pleased and satisfied with your ideas), success
(accomplishment, achievement, attainment, and victory), and polish (that you
have spent some time perfecting, refining, and improving your ideas).
In public speaking, nobody asks for perfection; they can, however, expect
polish!
Your magic represents the spice. It can be revealed in your writing, in your
delivery, and in your embellishment. “Magic” does not come from supernatural
powers or slight of hand. It comes from careful, thoughtful, planning and
preparation.
Write out some of your ideas. Use antithesis (opposites), or the setting of
one clause or other member of a sentence against another to which it is
opposed. “It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.”
“What counts is not the number of hours you put in, but how much you put in
the hours.”
Effective writing, too, utilizes parallel structure. Sometimes referred to
as continuums, serializing, or stacking, it occurs when ideas of equal worth
are given the same syntactical form. From the famous poem constructed in
parallel form, “Children Learn What They Live,” by Dorothy Law Nolte, just
two lines as examples: “If a child lives with criticism, he learns to
condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight....” At the end
of Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream,” speech: “So, let freedom ring from
the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty
mountains of New York....”
Effective writing utilizes triplets, or, a list of three things. A list of
three is always better than either two or four. Three is always more than
four! “People are born, people live, people die!” “If you want to enrich
today, plant flowers. If you want to enrich years, plant trees. If you want
to enrich eternity, plant ideas.”
Your delivery, too, contributes to the magic. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.
Delivery is a tool for expressing clear, interesting ideas without
distracting the audience. Effective delivery is conveyed by your voice,
language, and body.
Your voice is the sales tool that can sell your feelings and emotions. It is
the most powerful, persuasive, professional tool you own. Vary your pitch
(the highness or lowness of your voice), select the best rate (it depends on
your personality, the mood you’re trying to create, the nature of your
audience and the occasion), and avoid vocalized pauses (uhms, and ahhhs).
Pauses are for time to breathe, for messages to sink in, to give listeners
time to breathe, and for emphasis.
Language is important, and effective word choice can be magic. Study all
your life to be a wordsmith—one who knows, works with, and shapes words.
Pronounce words correctly, because incorrect pronunciation strips away
credibility. Use proper grammar; it is a key indicator of who you are and
what your background is.
Your body is an important part of your delivery. Pay attention to your
posture, personal appearance, facial expressions, eye contact, and hands
(forget your hands, but don’t forget to use them). And, never give your
ideas to an audience; give your speech to individuals in your audience.
Connect with one individual at a time. Weak eye contact looks insincere,
insecure, and uncomfortable.
Finally, embellish your speech by telling key stories, using power phrases
(“Attitude, not aptitude, determines altitude”), and using humor and
quotations. Don’t use humor to get a laugh; use it to revitalize your
audience. The best humor occurs naturally.
The speech of your life comes from you. Now, when you are faced with giving
the speech of your life, you know you have control over the message, the
messenger, and the magic. The real greatness within you awaits your
recognition.
-------------------------------
On June 14, 2005, Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation
Studios, gave the commencement address at Stanford University. Although not
labeled as “the speech of his life,” clearly this was an outstanding
address, and it includes a number of the elements discussed in this essay.
Find the address at:
http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html
Guy Kawasaki wrote a terrific essay, “How to Get a Standing Ovation,” on
January 18, 2006,
http://blog.guykawasaki.com/2006/01/how_to_get_a_st.html at his website,
“How to Change the World.” His practical advice includes “Have something
interesting to say,” and “Tell stories,” and all of it is useful and to the
point. The comments about the essay that follow it are both worthwhile and
entertaining.
Debra Hamilton, president of Creative Communications and Training, Inc.,
writes a basic essay entitled, “Giving a great speech: 7 secrets to dynamic,
memorable public speaking,” which begins with advice such as “use an
icebreaker,” and “focus your material.” Her essay is available at the
ezinearticles.com website. Solid advice is given, and it is fundamental to
giving great speeches. See article:
Click here
-------------------------------
It is a principle I have taught for over
thirty years. It is basic to speech-communication courses, and it is
essential to understanding what should be the foundation of public-speaking
effectiveness. In judging the success of a public-speaking effort, you must
look at the substance — support, evidence, and ideas — of the speech, not
just the delivery. Delivery is merely a vehicle for conveying the substance.
When I learned to put delivery in its proper perspective, it was within the
context of Plato’s attack on rhetoric as “mere cookery.”
Plato was critical of the idea that rhetoric should be called an art, while
Aristotle argued in On Rhetoric that it was indeed an art. Plato’s
perspective on rhetoric has not been uncommon throughout the ages, namely,
that rhetoric is no art at all but merely practiced flattery. The
“fantastical banquet” of words is “mere cookery in words”; words that are
plain and to the point are all that are needed. Through the character of
Socrates he concludes it is no art. He goes on at length to explain that
rhetoric is merely a form of flattery, and more comparable to cookery than
to medicine.
Plato’s perspective was well supported in a column entitled, “Obama is the
candidate of passion rather than substance,” (The (Toledo) Blade, Jan. 13,
2008) in which Kathleen Parker
argues that “it’s easy to be seduced by a charming idea with a dazzling
smile....It’s all about hope, really.”
Of course, Obama isn’t the first to depend on “grandiose prose and inspiring
rhetoric” to supply his political pitch. Speech that depends on rhythm and
refrain is alluring. It can make anything, even a simple chair, seem
magnificent.
It is important to understand here how easily and willingly the public is
seduced by the power of speech. Remember that the Nazis put enormous effort
into public speaking. A. E. Frauenfeld, a Nazi Gauleiter (leader), wrote in
“Die Macht der Rede” in 1937, about the power of speech, “We connect the
spoken word with thoughts of the person who spoke it, with his appearance,
the sound of his voice, the persuasiveness and passion with which he spoke
the words....Speaking is communal; many hundreds or thousands share the
enthusiasm.”
Ronald Reagan, a former actor and baseball announcer, understood this. Not
only did he speak “in warm, velvety tones that enveloped listeners and made
them feel good,” but, too, writes David Gergen, a Reagan speechwriter, in
Essence of Power (1984), in his speeches he evoked what America had been and
could be again, using terms, stories, and images embracing liberty, heroism,
honor, a love of country, and a love of God. These values went deep with
Reagan who discovered them from years on the speaking circuit.
There is no doubt that there are times that call for seminal speeches when
substance matters less than delivery. Lory Hough and Aine Cryts, in their
online essay, “The Power of Speech,” cite Abraham Lincoln’s “Gettysburg
Address” that commemorated the most devastating battle of the Civil War, or
his “Emancipation Proclamation” that called for an end to slavery. They cite
Franklin D. Roosevelt’s fireside chats that helped pull America out of the
depression and Ronald Reagan’s speech in 1986 following the Challenger
disaster that soothed a stunned nation. President George W. Bush provided
one voice following the September 11 terrorist attacks. Hough and Cryts also
mention Robert Kennedy’s 1968 impromptu Indianapolis announcement that
Martin Luther King, Jr., had just been shot and Richard Nixon’s 1952
“Checkers” speech.
Nixon’s “Checkers” speech, according to Hough and Cryts, is “considered to
be one of the most successful political speeches in history. Just chosen as
Dwight D. Eisenhower’s running mate, Nixon had to clear his name from
charges of having a secret campaign fund. With his wife sitting beside him,
he apologized and called on people’s emotions, using these words to end his
emotional appeal after explaining that a Texas supporter had sent a cocker
spaniel to the family as a gift. “Our little girl Tricia, the six-year-old,
named it Checkers. And you know, the kids, like all kids,” Nixon said
affectionately, “loved the dog, and I just want to say this, right now, that
regardless of what they say about it, we are going to keep it.”
There are times that call for the rhetoric that unites or soothes or
commemorates. There are times, as well, that call for impromptu comments
that explain or clarify. The bulk of a politician’s rhetoric, however, is
carefully planned.
Barack Obama is a powerful speaker. Biblical cadences come naturally to him,
just as if he is a great preacher. He has extraordinary rapport with
ordinary Americans, and he possesses, as well, a unique ability to
articulate, in a generous way, their polite but burning anger at the state
and their country. Obama certainly has the potential to “unite” the American
public in ways that few, if any, politicians have since Bobby Kennedy.
Obama’s appeal, however, is to the soul (hope). He preaches the politics of
“not-yet-here,” and it resonates deeply with his listeners. There is no
doubt that his rhetoric soars and takes flight, but it alights nowhere.
There is no doubt that he declares that together we can do anything, but he
doesn’t mention any of the things we can do. What is missing from his
repertoire is a clear articulation of his intentions. Avoiding detailed
policy prescriptions, which bore many voters, leaves him open to attacks.
To depend on delivery and high-flown language alone, to the near exclusion
of any substance, is an example of what Plato complained about. Obama’s
speeches are a “fantastical banquet” of words or “mere cookery in words.” It
may be what Americans want, but in no way is it what Americans need.
Although some may say this is a time for seminal speeches when substance
matters less than delivery, but I claim, as Kathleen Parker does, “Hope is
not a policy.”
“Mr. Obama isn’t just the inevitable dream candidate,” writes Parker, “He is
the self-object of Oprah Nation [referring to Oprah Winfrey’s campaigning on
his behalf], love child of the therapeutic generation. What he brings to the
table,” Parker continues, “no one quite knows. But what he delivers to the
couch is human Prozac.”
To be seduced by delivery with little or no substance is to miss what is
significant, meaningful, and important. It is to be seduced by the icing and
overlook the cake, to judge a book by its cover and ignore its contents, and
to be persuaded by facial expressions without noticing what the speaker is
saying. It is, however, a testament to the power of speech!
For
thirty years in the college classroom, I have always believed that I was
teaching the future leaders of our nation. For this reason, in the teaching
of speech communication, an underlying foundation for all the concepts and
principles I taught was the belief that they would contribute positively to
effective leadership. In addition, I tried to motivate students to not just
take seriously the knowledge and information they were gaining but to
constantly apply it to their classes, experiences outside the classroom, and
their lives. What good is theory to students if it has no practical
application? (I am indebted to Hastings and Potter’s book Trust Me (WaterBrook,
2004), for many of the ideas in this essay.)
The best place to begin looking at
leadership, of course, is exactly at the point where students are beginning
their college careers—when they are becoming effective and committed
learners. The best learners are those who regularly seek criticism and
feedback, possess an attitude of optimism and persistence, learn from other
people’s failures and successes, have a wide range of interests and move
easily into new endeavors, enjoy many different kinds of people, make it a
point to tune into and pick up on what’s going on around them, and take time
to pause and reflect as they think about themselves, their life experiences,
and how the two intersect. They should learn from the old proverb, “We
cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.” The more flexibility,
the more they will succeed.
Even with the qualities above for being
effective and committed learners, some students have erected walls within
themselves that prevent the receipt, acceptance, and use of the very
information that can help them. The first is pride, which is pure
selfishness. It closes the mind to new truths, causes inflexibility, resists
change, and gets in the way of asking others for help. The second is a
judgmental attitude which creates a negative, cynical attitude. A third wall
is stubbornness that is revealed in an attachment to personal, immediate
gratification.
There are other walls that prevent the
receipt, acceptance, and use of information, too. A fourth wall is
stagnation. Those who have allowed themselves to stagnate become apathetic,
purposeless, and their attention is scattered rather than focused.
Insensitivity is a fifth wall, and results in lack of concern for others, no
empathy, an uncaring attitude, and an inability to listen. A sixth wall is
dishonesty. In addition to cheating, lying, or stealing, dishonesty happens
when people seek to get ahead by deviousness—game playing, manipulation, and
pretense. Finally, a seventh wall is those who are always seeking the
easiest solution or decision. These folks avoid problems, responsibilities,
and difficulties. Having lost the will to grow, they lack perseverance,
endurance, and courage.
What are the qualities effective leaders
need? There are three important qualities: values, vision, and
communication. First, their personal values reflect what they consider to be
important. Their values are motivators that give them reasons for why they
do or don’t do things. They drive behavior. Right actions flow out of right
values such as integrity, honesty, human dignity, service, excellence,
growth, and evenhandedness. Second, they need vision—the ability to look
farther than today, over potential obstacles, and beyond majority opinion.
They are able to gaze across the horizon of time and imagine greater things
ahead—the ability to see what is not yet reality.
Vision is difficult to cultivate. It
comes, for example, from a strong belief that things don’t have to be this
way. It comes from a vague desire to do something that will challenge
yourself and others. It comes from a sense of determination. It forces you
to clarify what it is that you really want to do. With a vision, you get a
sense of what you want your target to look like, feel like, and be like when
you and others have completed the journey. Having a vision affects your
attitude, your optimism, and your beliefs. Your beliefs will sustain you
through difficult times. Vision requires both commitment and endurance, and
when you have a vision you don’t see difficulties in every opportunity but,
rather, opportunities in every difficulty.
The third quality effective leaders need
is communication. Rather than beginning with the obvious characteristics of
verbal acuity, decision-making, and powerful delivery, the most important
aspect of communication is a deep commitment to listening to others. How can
an effective leader understand the needs of his or her listeners, let alone
employees, customers, suppliers, or market without listening to them? They
need to listen with an intent to understand—turning the focus from
themselves to the other person.
Effective listening encompasses the
all-important quality of empathy—identifying with and understanding ideas
from another’s situation, feelings, and motives. When others know they are
accepted, recognized, and understood for their special gifts and talents,
they are more willing to listen and respond.
In addition to listening, communication
involves persuasion—engaging others with the specific intent of changing
their beliefs or actions. Effective leaders seek change through true
compassion rather than by forcing compliance—to build consensus rather than
to assert authoritarian power. To be an effective persuader requires the
careful analysis of audience wants, needs, values, beliefs, and interests.
It requires the prudent organization of ideas, amassing reliable and
verifiable supporting material, and thoughtful and cautious examination of
all related ethical issues and considerations.
If leaders want to persuade effectively,
they must act with integrity. That is, they must act boldly—as one who has
unshakable confidence. They must exhibit a great attitude—with a positive,
encouraging, and uplifting mind-set. Finally, they must develop trust
through a record that is dependable and consistent and a lifestyle that sets
an example of integrity and competence.
Leadership is not a bag of tricks, a set
of mechanical rules, or a rigid regimen of automatic methods. Leaders must
see the goodness of people, appreciate their assets and abilities, and
capitalize on their unique assets and abilities through energy, effective
interaction, and empowerment. To do this, they need resourcefulness,
initiative, imagination, and adaptation of their own best abilities and
skills. With these assets, they will be able to diagnose situations,
prescribe methods of leading from the reality of those situations, and
understand that everyone’s reality is different.